The most recent conflict was with my ex-husband. We were married for 14 years and the one problem that we had was the way I handled conflict. We never argued around the children and whenever there was a big disagreement, I would walk away. He is an emotional person and I tend to let things roll off my back and move on. That has always bothered him. There were some things that I should have talked about instead of walking away from. My responses during a conflict with him have changed a lot. There is nothing in my life that warrants a hostile, irate, angry attitude that cannot be handled by God. When he has something to say he expects the same loud, abrasive reaction. That is not who I am. It bothers him more than he cannot get that same reaction from me.
It is easy to walk away from the colleagues or friends who want to argue, but it causes problems when it is a spouse. I come from a family of passive people. I do believe that watching my mom’s relationship influenced my marriage. My step dad was the same way that my ex was. I vowed not to marry a man like him and I married one almost exactly like him. At first, I thought that I was keeping peace in the family by walking away but now I know that he needed to hear how his rages and conflicts pretty much destroyed the marriage and my inability or unwillingness to talk about them did as well. My tongue is sharp and attitude quick, but I never argued for fear of disrespect of the marriage something I picked up from my mom. When I got divorced, she had a really hard time understanding how I could give up. She said that divorces are not of God. I love you mom, but I have since learned that God gave us common sense and he wants us all to be happy.
I learned this week that during my marriage, I was an escapist. O’ Hair & Wiemann (2012) suggest through escapist strategies people try to avoid direct conflict because they are afraid it would hurt the relationship. I never reciprocated and rarely responded and while thinking back it, I may have feared that the arguments would become physical. The best compromise to the recent conflict was to just to say, “Be quiet and listen sometimes”. I have always let him rant on and on but it was finally time for me to say, “Shut-up”. The marriage is over and we are both to blame. I thought that I was being respectful of God, him and the marriage by not cursing and screaming as he did. There is a way to talk things over calmly but I have to make the effort to do so instead of always walking away. I have become more vocal and able to peacefully say, “Listen and let me speak”. The 3R’s will work great with the next relationship.
Reference
O’ Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s
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